***Explicit language ahead 😜***
There is a carnal energy in many of us that wants what it wants. And what it wants is sex– fire, hot and heavy sex. The patriarchy tells women and femmes that they can’t enjoy or aspire to purely sexual relationships. That such desire and behavior is reserved for the self-disrespecting and those who will have a hard time finding partners who will accept their extensive sexual resume. But what about those of us who are sexually liberated and do not allow others to diminish or define our worth based on body count? What about those whose goal is a spicy sexuationship rather than a romantic relationship?
Operating under the understanding that sexual pleasure is our birthright, we deserve to engage in healthy, freaky sexuationships with others. Sometimes you just wanna fuck, and that’s okay. But we can’t get busy with just anybody. So how, then, can we define and attract our sexual soulmate(s)?
When I think of a soulmate, I think of an ideal match– someone whose spirit is aligned with mine. A soulmate is someone whose very essence is divinely complementary to my own. In relationships and dating, we talk a lot about sexual satisfaction and so little about sexual chemistry and compatibility. But we cannot have the former without the latter. So why are so many of us taught to care about every other aspect of a person except their sexual capacity or experience? Why shouldn’t that be important to us? Let’s talk sex skills. What qualifies you to be fucking me? What do you bring to the table sexually? What are your sexual interests? Kinks? What’s your freakiest fantasy? What’s off limits? Run me that resume.
As a teen, my parents talked to me about sex, but our conversations were primarily about consent and contraception. As I got older and began having sex, I realized that there’s so much more to navigating sexuationships. What should I look for in a sex partner? How do I know if they’re good for me? How can I communicate what I need and ask my partners about their needs? I needed help understanding pleasure and how to find someone enthusiastically interested in mine.
I needed to hear someone say, “Whoever you share yourself with, make sure they speak to you nice and fuck you well. Make sure they listen to your body and aim to please. Make sure they reciprocate what they require. Make sure they respect your boundaries.”
Before we attract our sex soulmate(s), we have to define who they are and what they’re like so that when they come into our lives, we’ll know them when we see them. My mom taught me to define for myself what a suitable partner is by first making a list of everything I wanted in a partner, then separating each trait or attribute into 3 categories: must-haves, nice-to-haves, and deal breakers.
Must-haves are the traits you’re 100% not willing to compromise on. Nice-to-haves are like whipped cream and sprinkles– they’re not requirements, but they sweeten the experience. Deal breakers are the wrecking balls that make you say “oh hell nah” even if said partners have some of your must-haves and nice-to-haves. This exercise can be used in a sexuationship context and is an effective way to get crystal-clear about what type of sex partner(s) you want to attract and how to know whether or not you’ve found them.
Now that we’ve created a way to filter through the sexually incapable and incompatible, attracting our sex soulmate is the easy part because we know exactly what we’re looking for. Remember: whoever you share yourself with, make sure they speak to you nice and fuck you well. Make sure they listen to your body and aim to please. Make sure they reciprocate what they require. Make sure they respect your boundaries.